26 Jul Egos & Expectations
Egos and Expectations
I’ve allowed most of the women that I’ve dated to distract me from learning more about their character, who they are and what they value. By the time I get to know them intimately, it is usually around the time we have our first argument. After careful reflection, I believe those arguments occurred due to a lack of insight on both sides. There didn’t seem to be any clear expectations aside from the monogamy.
You would think that it couldn’t have taken me so long to learn what seems like common sense. After all, I’ve had a bunch of girlfriends since elementary school. However, common sense is solely based on experiences, and not everyone has the same skills. I’ve always tried to date better. I would upgrade my standard of women according to my lifestyle.
I never understood why women were attracted to me. I aspired to be the perfect guy but without any knowledge of what those expectations were. I saw that the women that I was drawn to liked men with money, power and respect. I didn’t have much money or power, but I did have influence and was great with words. The only reason why I started working at 15 was so I could spend money on women. I prioritized flexing for the sake of impressing girls that I would later find never loved me for me.
Fast forward to my mid-twenties when I started thinking about owning real estate, retirement and generational wealth. I was trapped in transition because, on one end, I wanted these things that would provide me stability, but on the other end, I couldn’t stop spending all this money on these women. I felt I wasn’t enough and to overcompensate for my insecurities; I would spend like a king to make them feel like Queens. But it would have me living from paycheque to paycheque like I was poor.
That’s when I realized that I needed to change the type of woman that I was attracted too—much easier said than done, especially when you have a type. I thought I was keeping chivalry alive, but I learned with my new type it wasn’t relevant, but it was a gentle reminder that there are still gentlemen out there. At least that’s how I felt after paying for dinners, trips, and expensive gifts. They claimed independence until their independence couldn’t pay off their financial mistakes. They resulted in them becoming dependent on keeping up with the Kardashian even though they hated who the Kardashians were and what they stood for.
When does it stop? For me, it stopped when I realized that I had to find fulfillment in myself. When I realized that making other people happy while feeling empty wasn’t a standard that I could continue to support, I calculated all the money that I spent in between breakups and learned that I could have covered the expenses of a short film. This included the cost of the equipment, the cost of staff and talent. I spent so much money trying to fulfill and keep these women, and all it did was keep me further away from my goals and priorities.
During the times when I was in relationships, my single friends wanted what I had. I would always tell them they should be single but could never give a proper explanation of why they should remain separate. It was when I saw them making the same mistakes that I had made when dating that I realized that men give love and romantic gestures in exchange for sex and what we think is love. We often lower our expectations for intimacy because we don’t know how we want to be loved. We just know what we don’t like from our last relationship and try and do better but don’t know what better looks like or is.
I’ve found what has worked best for me is becoming more secure with my self-esteem. Keep all communication open and honest. If your partner can’t appreciate your standards and your honesty, move on to someone else who will.
Understand that someone who cares for you should care enough to check in on you regularly if they can’t do that; you’re not a priority. I don’t think someone should drop everything in life to get to know someone; however, I do believe that there is a lack of compassion for people’s time.
The women I’ve dated have only had compassion for me after having sex with me. It’s like all of a sudden feelings develop after those multiple orgasms. I’ll go from struggling to have a conversation; to never having to initiate another word again once I pop the relationship cherry. However, I do not have sex with every woman that I share intimate moments with. There were times that our relationship would only go so far, and timing led to a lack of conversation. Which when there was a conversation, it wouldn’t go anywhere, and there would be nothing left to do but move on or eventually become ghosted.
Suppose you’ve been ghosted before you’ll feel rejected. The truth is sometimes rejection is protection. The person refusing you is protecting you from their insecurities. To save time on wondering why this is happening to me and to receive closure on why they ghosted you. Understand that they were going through something, and you can’t help.
You might try to help resolve their issue to demonstrate your care for them. This could bring on the expectation that now that this issue, I decided we can be together. Happily for your partner, you’ve improved the stress in their life; but unfortunately for you, they wouldn’t be able to appreciate it because the real issue is layered beneath. It’s years of childhood trauma and ex-boyfriends that have put up a force field that will take time energy to bring down. In short, that’s not your healed daughter king. Find the woman who shows you her appreciation for you by showing you she respects your time.