20 Aug Preparing Her 4 Dating: Liabilities VS Assets
Despite what you hear in the media, there is good and bad in everyone, which is what I told my daughter. I told her that she would learn the most about people through establishing relationships and looking at things from their perspective. There are people at my job that I see and greet with a smile that I can’t stand to work with, and there were times I had to work with them, and I considered quitting my job. Part of the reason for that is not everyone thinks the way I do or would resolve issues the way I would. When you’re dating, it’s the same thing except what lures you into putting up with your partners, differences aren’t production, but it’s their appearance and the way they make you feel during the “good times.”
The good in us is our assets. Our assets are what makes us attractive to our potential partners. Males are all about sight, sound and smell. We’re easily distracted by a beautiful woman with a nice body and a smile. We don’t know what it will take to get and hold that girl’s interest and if we will want to keep that girl’s attention. I heard for girls it’s a little different. I heard it’s all about security, affection and open communication. Sorry to disappoint my daughter, but males are generally bad communicators. We struggle at expressing ourselves with words unless it’s in art, and not everyone is an artist. Arguably one of the greatest poets of your time is the rapper Future. If you listen to his lyrics, you’ll see the explanation for his actions in his music.
Liabilities are bad habits. Habits start as choices. The effects of our choices are what make it a habit. If you feel good after making a choice when you’re lost or feeling upset, you’ll go back to what you know. If we are not careful, these practices can form from those decisions. That is why we punish bad decisions to avoid bad habits. Unfortunately, some methods are hard to break and can be attached to childhood trauma or trigger someone to find comfort in drugs, alcohol, sex etc.
If you remember from one of my previous articles, I mentioned that I wasn’t sure when a girl was into me. I wasn’t the one to make the first move unless I was confident. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes it’s not about the aesthetics that make you attractive but what you can do for someone. After high school, I met this girl who was younger than me, but she had men wrapped around her finger. She was beautiful, but she wasn’t perfect, and these men worshipped her like she was.
For some reason, she had a spell over all of these guys. They were sending her on trips and covering all of her expenses. She always had the latest designers. One day I asked her what her secret was, she said she leads them to think she will fulfill all of their fantasies. She gets men to want to spoil her to make her happy so that she can fulfill their fantasies. She expressed that she would never have sex with her “sponsors.” We called them sponsors because of the Tierra Marie song from back in the day. Anyway, I’m not saying that I want to drop you off to hang out with her for the weekend to learn everything from her. What I am saying is to have confidence in yourself and understand your value the way my friend did.
The shallow people will tell you that your assets are visible for everyone to see. The problem with being known for your assets is that you can lose your identity in them. Anything that has real value is hidden or stored away. The problem with teenagers and most adults is they search for love with their eyes and not with the spirit. We are so focused on clout and the opinions of others that most of us change our morals, and sometimes our beliefs to appease or receive acceptance. It happens to the best of us. Solomon was the wisest man in the eyes of God. Spoiler alert the most knowledgeable man who did so much good in the eyes of God is also responsible for the separation of the twelve tribes of Israel. You can read more of the story in the book of Kings 1. Solomon’s lust for Sheba led the nation of Israel to mix with other nations and practised worshipping idols and false gods. When I read this story, I was so disappointed because I was like if the wisest man can disappoint God, then I won’t stand a chance.
I analyzed Solomon’s story in the book of Kings. I tried to look at it from Solomon’s perspective. Solomon had everything but still didn’t feel like he was enough. Solomon had the most wives, concubines, servants and the respect of all of his peers. But again, that wasn’t enough validation for Solomon. He needed the validation of one woman, and that validation cost Solomon and the nation of Israel to sin against God. I didn’t understand that for a relationship to prosper; you need to have God in the middle of it.
When you put God in the middle of your relationships with people, it’s easier to treat them with respect and compassion because the standard of how you treat people is as high as God. You’ll see the reflection of God in them, and they will see it in you. But both of you need to be on the same page. It’s essential to understand both of your needs and wants. Learning how to compromise in these early stages while staying true to yourself will help prepare you for the potential self-doubt ahead.
Relationships will end when the liabilities are more than the assets. It’s hard to see the burdens. We do such an excellent job of hiding them. We stay away from the things we are bad at or may embarrass us. We’re extra concerned about our weight or how clothes look on us. Let’s not forget the hundreds of photos we take before posting the right one. Or finding the right filter to hide any imperfections that the angles didn’t. What we can’t see in the dark will come to light. That’s why it’s essential to be yourself from the beginning. If the person you are dating cares about you, then they will accept you for who you are.
However, this doesn’t mean that if you’re selfish, then they should accept you for being selfish or find someone else. We all have areas in our life where we can grow and develop. The right partner will encourage you to make yourself better; they won’t make you better. I’ve learned that women need security, open communication and affection. Don’t allow any man to compromise your needs. There are areas in our life where having a partner can help us develop, but it is important to understand that you’re not perfect, and your development should be organic and not forced.
Usually, there is one person that just says I’ve had enough or I can’t do this anymore and just like that you’re single. Be careful; loneliness, if left untreated, becomes lust. It’s hard for both people. Everyone heals in their way. Some people take time for themselves. Some people can’t take the loneliness and surround themselves with company. I’ve had breakups that should have ended six months prior, but sometimes you find comfort in familiar even if it isn’t right for you. Sometimes the same things we run towards end up being the same things we start running from.
The Israelites went to Egypt to survive the famine, after a change in Egyptian management, they found themselves enslaved by the same place where they sought comfort. That’s what it can look like when you’re not ready to move on. You can think the grass is greener on the other side when it’s just a different fertilizer. What matters is the soil and if it’s plantable ground. You have to take it slow when you’re recovering from a breakup. You have to be gentle on yourself, but you can’t allow the breakup to upset you forever. You have to be ready to move on.
There will be breakups that will have you feel like you’re dying. A few months will feel like forever. When you get into relationships that last years and if they end, you’ll wonder if you wasted too much time. When you get older, it’s all about time. Time becomes a crisis earlier for women because women lose their ability to bear children. I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that there are women that have children knowing that the relationship won’t last. They are so desperate for unconditionally love that their last hope is to create it for themselves with a child. Some people look at relationships as very transactional. They need to get something out of the relationship, but they need something that has value.
A child is one of the most valuable things in life. That’s why I’m taking more time to establish better communication during these years with my daughter as she enters high school. She’s going to need guidance that comes from a male perspective. There are things that muscles, a charming smile and face can persuade a young girl to do things she isn’t comfortable doing in order to make him happy. If you feel guilty doing anything you’re not doing it for the right reason. There are things that I won’t be able to avoid, and I’ve made my peace with that. I still want to prepare my daughter for what will feel like a world of hurt.
All that matters is where we end up, and it doesn’t matter how long we stay in bad places just as long as we get out of them. On the path to where we end up, we have to ask ourselves if every decision we’ve ever made. If it was worth it? After being cheated on, you’ll start to question the time you put into the relationship. When you’re in high school, your relationship is public. Most kids aren’t in a relationship in high school. Out of boredom, you will find your peers taking an interest in your love life. It’s essential to establish boundaries with your friends early. Most secrets of yours will be shared. If you are not comfortable with people knowing your secrets, keep them to yourself or share them with God. Friends will disappoint, they will feel sorry for disappointing you, but peer pressure isn’t easy to resist.
Spoiler alert, some people don’t change much when they get older. Gossip and betrayal mature after high school. Sometimes members of your own families will gossip about you. That’s why it’s important that with any relationship that you’re in that you put God in the middle of it.
You’re going to create acts of kindness and thoughtfulness through gifts and other gestures. Only do things that make you comfortable. There needs to be clear expectations from the start. Sometimes the expectations aren’t clear in the beginning to your partner because the boundaries weren’t set. We often are so interested in the romance that we skip the intimacy part of a relationship and forget to ask important questions or set up necessary boundaries. Before you know it, you have allowed something that was suppose to slide once, becomes a habit. The higher the tolerance, the higher the consequence.
Do yourself a favour, avoid the high consequence and lower your tolerance. The cost of controlling people is to end up alone. Which is why it’s essential that :
- Your partner agrees to your boundaries.
- Your partner wants to do everything for you out of love and not conditions.
- Both you and your partner put God in the middle of your relationship.
This way, the Godly choices you and your partner make become better habits. Wherever you have issues or differences in your relationship, God will iron them out or use your connection to develop both you and your partner where you can iron out your issues.
Let me know in the comments if this was helpful or if it gave you some perspective.